Foreword
This is it. Rain is dropping on my head as I stare down into the dark water beneath me. Despite the rain, it is a warm late summer night. Nevertheless, my body shivers—I am freezing. My head hurts from the relentless thought loops of the past days. I am full of regret and have been beating myself up for weeks at this point. It feels as if I am laser-focused all the time and, simultaneously, as if I am never truly present. It is a truly exhausting emotional state. Ironically, coming here with determination actually has a relaxing effect. I feel as if I have finally regained control. At least now, I can put an end to my suffering.
I allow my eyes to slide over the scenery in front of me. To my right, I see the lights of the city. I can hear the distant voices of people partying and drinking in the old town. I could be one of them. I could be enjoying my night. But not today. In fact, not for many days or even weeks. If I’m honest, it has been a long time since I had a truly great night. The other side of the river is dark. Silhouettes of houses behind the lawn adjacent to the water are visible, and frosted lights glow behind some windows. Those people have made it. They live happy lives with their families. They are probably having dinner right now. I envy them shamefully. Then I look back down into the water and grab the wet handrail of the bridge. For a second, the world comes to a halt. Just one step—just one step—and I could end all of this. If I could just summon the courage, it would all be over. I wouldn’t need to ask myself these questions anymore. Could it have gone differently? What if I had done this instead? Ahh! I cannot take this. I do not want to take this. I just want it all to stop. I just want to sleep—forever. Period. Sleep and never wake up again. I want to leave this city, this place, this life. This world has nothing left to offer me—nothing to stand up for, nothing to fight for. It’s all just pain and darkness. Why should I stay? Tears run down my cheeks as I continue to look down into the water. Salvation seems close now.
I had such thoughts numerous times in the weeks leading up to today. I have stared out of the office window or down from my balcony, the same painful thought running through my mind on repeat: If I just jumped, it would all be over. But I had never come this close. I came here fully determined – I even had my farewell message written and placed on my dining table at home. When I left my apartment, I did not plan on coming back.
However, in the end, I did not jump. I cannot really explain why. Maybe, in those last seconds, I thought about my parents, my friends. Maybe I didn’t want them to go through such an ordeal. In retrospect, that moment feels incredibly blurry. One thing, however, is as certain as it is sad: in that moment, I did not stay because I wanted to stay. As with everything else at that point in my life, I didn’t do it for myself. I was honestly convinced that I had no reason left to live. I felt completely empty. For weeks, I had been waking up morning after morning, unsure why I should get up, why I should find the courage to get dressed and put on a smile, why I should work out, why I should go to work. I had lost faith—faith that I would ever be able to enjoy my life again, faith that my pain would ever go away.
Have you ever felt as if you are unable to handle the challenges life throws at you? Have you ever grabbed your chest in agony because your emotions started to actually physically hurt you? Have you ever started crying uncontrollably, punching things and literally only had one screaming thought left: I want this all to stop!
I have been there, and it is an experience I would not wish on my worst enemy. Thinking that killing myself was the best way forward was both the most numbing and the most painful thought I have ever had. It was the most painful, terrifying, and demotivating experience of my life.
I was at rock bottom, with no reason in sight to stand back up again. I felt so broken that I couldn’t force myself to see a reason to fight anymore. Why should I fight if the outcome isn’t worthwhile anyway?
I believe this was the point when it became truly dangerous. At this stage, killing myself was no longer just an abstract idea – it became a realistic option. I started to entertain the thought more and more. It seemed like a plausible solution to all my problems – at some point, the only plausible one I felt I had left. It is honestly quite terrifying, but there were many days when the idea that I could just jump actually calmed me down. Weirdly, it made me feel back in control, as if I were in the driver’s seat again when it felt like I had run out of options to turn my life around.
As mentioned, I can hardly put into words why I decided not to jump that night on the bridge. Nonetheless, having reached that point, it was clear that something had to change. To be honest, when I left the bridge, I wasn’t convinced I wouldn’t come back. However, I wanted to at least give my life one last shot. I had people in my life who were important to me and whom I did not want to suffer, leaving them with grief and regret for not helping me, for not seeing the signs. To be fair, I had put on a mask for the outside world for years. Even my closest friends probably weren’t able to tell how bad I was really feeling, and finally opening up to them down the road became an important part of my healing journey.
Nevertheless, it was blatantly obvious that things in my life were not going well, and fifty or more years of the same were something I certainly did not want to endure. Thus, I asked myself one question: why now? Why do I need to end it now? I can try one more time. I can still kill myself a year from now if I can’t figure this out. I admit this is obviously not the most optimistic thought, but it was the only way for me at this moment to foster up the courage to continue. I postponed salvation. I knew I would not have to endure it forever. I was still in control of my fate. I would either find a solution or end it. Somehow, I also felt like before this experience, I had never really given happiness a shot.
In the aftermath, I started to educate myself about happiness, self-love, confidence, purpose, and anything I deemed helpful. I quickly discovered many concepts that appealed to me on a rational level. It was easy to identify behaviors and beliefs that made me unhappy, but I ran into a serious problem: how the hell do I get myself to believe any of this? Just looking at my life and knowing I should be happy, that I should enjoy it, for me, simply didn’t get the job done. Understanding was the easy part, but feeling it, truly believing it, and really incorporating it into my system was a whole different animal. Yet, since I am still here, I succeeded. Not only that, but I turned my life around completely, and today, I feel better than ever.
I firmly believe that more people than we imagine reach that low at some point in their lives, while even more go through life suffering, regretting their past, and living unfulfilled and unhappy lives. Therefore, I want to share my experiences, thoughts, struggles, and learnings during this journey. I’m obviously not a psychologist nor an expert, yet I am unshakingly confident that my experiences can help other people—and if it only ends up helping one, I will be more than pleased. This is why I decided to write this book. If you have ever felt stuck in life, heartbroken, or even just wanted to find the courage to work towards a certain goal, the following pages might be exactly what you need. Be ready to take a deep dive into my biggest emotional turmoil and accompany me as I slowly but steadily pick myself up from the ground and rise to unexpected emotional highs. Let me tell you what I have learned, which concepts and ideas worked and didn’t work for me, and how I managed to change my life for the better and finally gain control of my emotions and thoughts.
