How I Overcame Regret and Learned Self-Compassion

Regret was one of the greatest struggles in my self-reflection journey. It led me into a downward spiral of self-criticism and self-hate—one that I could hardly break free from until I learned to forgive myself.

However, self-compassion did not come naturally to me. I had always been hard on myself, a perfectionist who scrutinized every mistake. Thoughts like Why didn’t I learn this earlier? or Why didn’t I act differently? constantly haunted me. The biggest challenge in overcoming regret was its backward-looking nature—I was stuck in the past, unable to let go.

Forgiveness, on the other hand, was forward-looking. It allowed me to acknowledge my mistakes without being defined by them. It shifted my focus from punishing myself to believing in my ability to grow. But learning to forgive myself wasn’t easy—I had to start from scratch. Along the way, I discovered powerful ideas that helped me change my perspective.

Struggling

1. Progress is a Series of Small Steps

One of the biggest mindset shifts I had was realizing that self-improvement isn’t about massive overnight changes—it’s about small, consistent steps.

I first came across this idea in Mark Manson’s book Models, where he explains that focusing on too many things at once makes progress harder and leads to frustration. Before this realization, I was obsessed with achieving the end goal of happiness and confidence. I wanted to change everything about myself at once. When my progress inevitably slowed, I would become frustrated and critical of myself. Three things helped me shift my mindset:

  • Recognizing the small steps I had already taken: overcoming fears, questioning negative beliefs, opening up to friends, and practicing confidence.

  • Acknowledging that real change takes time and isn’t linear.

  • Reminding myself that any progress is still progress.

This shift in perspective helped silence my inner critic and kept me motivated.

2. Balance is Essential – Avoiding Obsession with Self-Improvement

In my pursuit of personal growth, I became obsessed with self-improvement. Every waking hour was spent either learning, reflecting, or analyzing myself. Even with friends, I was constantly thinking about my progress. I didn’t realize how exhausting this was until I read about the Tao principle in The Untethered Soul.

Here is what it taught me:

  • Extremes are unhealthy – Too much focus on self-improvement can be just as damaging as ignoring it altogether.

  • Burnout makes you more vulnerable to regret – Overloading myself with constant self-analysis drained me emotionally, making it easier for self-doubt and regret to creep back in.

  • Taking breaks is necessary, not a setback – Reading for fun, socializing without discussing my struggles, and simply enjoying life were not distractions; they were essential for long-term growth.

Learning to slow down made my journey more sustainable and reduced the pressure I put on myself.

3. Understanding My Actions Instead of Condemning Them

Another crucial shift in my perspective came from a concept in The Untethered Soul—the idea that extreme emotional swings are natural. The book uses the metaphor of a pendulum: if it’s pulled too far in one direction, it will inevitably swing just as far in the opposite direction. Applying this to my situation had been fairly easy:

This realization didn’t absolve me of responsibility, but it helped me view my past with more compassion. I still needed to grow and learn, but I no longer felt the need to punish myself for my mistakes.

4. Treating Myself Like a Best Friend

One of the most powerful ideas I encountered was from 12 Rules for Life by Jordan Peterson: be your own best friend.

Whenever I noticed negative self-talk creeping in, I would ask myself:

"If my best friend came to me with this problem, how would I treat him?"

This question changed everything.

  • I wouldn’t tear down a friend for struggling—I’d encourage him.

  • I wouldn’t belittle his progress—I’d remind him how far he’s come.

  • I wouldn’t let him stay stuck in regret—I’d help him focus on the future.

Applying this to myself helped me shift from self-punishment to self-support. It didn’t mean I stopped holding myself accountable, but I did so with kindness rather than cruelty.

5. I Always Did the Best I Could at the Time

One of the hardest beliefs to let go of was the idea that I should have been better. I kept thinking that I knew I was making mistakes—so why didn’t I stop myself?

Then I heard something in a podcast by Matthew Hussey that completely changed my perspective:

"Doing your best doesn’t mean making the best possible choice—it means doing the best you could have done at that time, given your experience, emotions, and knowledge."

I realized that, yes, in hindsight, I could see a better way. But at the time, I didn’t have the perspective, emotional awareness, or self-belief to act differently.

Accepting this truth didn’t erase my sadness, but it did stop me from beating myself up. Instead of being stuck in regret, I could finally focus on growth.

Final Thoughts: From Regret to Self-Compassion

Regret had kept me trapped in the past, but self-compassion allowed me to move forward.

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